Follow the adventures of Charlie, an urban three-year-old on the fast track, and his slow-track mommy. In this hilarious volume, Charlie gets a haircut like Sting's, runs up a tab at a baseball game, and prefers the garlic press to any of his expensive "educational" toys. Charlie is a kid learning to be a consumer. His mommy reveals important secrets, like which stroller is "in," which is the "right" playgroup, and how to throw a fabulous fourth birthday party. Moms and dads alike will find these anecdotes of parenting at the end of the century to be truly priceless.

Leslie Tonner is the author of eight books, both fiction and nonfiction. She and her family live in Manhattan.

• COVER
• TITLE PAGE
• DEDICATION
• ACKNOWLEDGMENT
• PART ONE: CONFESSIONS OF A ROTTEN MOMMY
• CHARLIE AND HIS ROTTEN MOMMY
• THE ROTTEN MOMMY REFUSES TO TAKE ADVANTAGE
• CHARLIE LOVES TV
• TELEVISION COMMERCIALS THAT CHARLIE LIKES TO SING
• TELEVISION COMMERCIALS THAT CHARLIE HAS GOT ALL SCREWED UP IN SPITE OF BILLION-DOLLAR AD CAMPAIGNS
• WHO, ME???? WET????
• MY SON THE GARBAGE TRUCK
• BRINGING IT IN FOR UNDER A THOU; OR HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOMMY, YOU TIGHTWAD
• OF HUMAN BONDAGE
• CHARLIE THE LATE BLOOMER
• PART TWO: IF I FORGET THEE, O BANKIE, AND OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS
• "AND NOW, HEEEEERE'S BANKIE!"
• GHOSTBUSTARDS
• THE BLENDED HOSTILE NUCLEAR FAMILY
• "DADDY SAYS ..."
• TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME
• INTERFACING WITH GRANDMA
• MEDIEVAL AND RENAISSANCE CHILDREN
• YOU-BED
• ITEMS FROM OUR FLOORS
• PART THREE: NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM
• TOYS R NOT US
• JACK AND JILL WENT UP THE HILL TO FETCH A CONTAINER OF HÄAGEN-DAZS
• WHAT YOUR STROLLER SAYS ABOUT YOU
• CHARLIE AND MOMMY AMONG THE YUCKIES
• T-SHIRTS AND BIBS SEEN IN THE WINDOWS OF BEN'S FOR KIDS ON THE UPPER EAST SIDE OF NEW YORK CITY
• PRENATAL PREP
• MY BABY-A KEEPBOOK FOR THE EIGHTIES
• THE BIRTHDAY BRIGADE
• BEST LOOKING, WITTIEST, MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED
• ITEM FROM OUR CATALOGUE
• PART FOUR: A JUG OF WINE, A LOAF OF BREAD, AND A THREE-YEAR-OLD SINGING IN THE WILDERNESS
• "I'LL JUST PICK"
• CHINESE BONES
• EAT TO WIN
• PART FIVE: IT'S ONLY YOUR ENTIRE FUTURE HANGING IN THE BALANCE: NURSERY SCHOOL IN YEAR TWO
• CHARLIE (AND MOMMY) GO TO NURSERY SCHOOL
• CHARLIE AND MOMMY CONTINUE TO GO TO NURSERY SCHOOL ...
• MOMMY GOES TO CHARLIE'S TEACHER CONFERENCE
• CHARLIE GOES TO HARVARD (SOMEDAY)
• STATUS SNACKS
• TYPHOID MOMMY
• CHARLIE AND MOMMY GET PROMOTED
• PART SIX: THE TODDLER NETWORK
• MY DENTIST IS MY BEST FRIEND
• CHATTING UP THE CAREGIVER
• SUNDAYS, MONDAYS, TUESDAYS, WEDNESDAYS, THURSDAYS, FRIDAYS, AND SATURDAYS IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE, MARISSA, ALESSANDRA, EVAN, COURTENAY, AND JASON
• CONTENTS OF TYPICAL STROLLER BAG
• PART SEVEN: DO YOU CONSIDER A BOX OF PAMPERS CARRY-ON LUGGAGE?
• THE WINGS OF BOY
• BERMUDA SHORTS
• THE FOUR MINUTE MEAL
• THE CRUISEWEAR LINE
• WISH YOU WERE HERE
• HAMPTONS DIARY BY CHARLIE
• PART EIGHT: BROKEN GROWNUPS
• HALF A MIL AND WE'LL THROW IN THE KID
• BIG BIRD ON MY BACK
• CHARLIE TAKES A MEETING
• THE LITTLEST PRINCE
• PART NINE: SESAME STREET AS A METAPHOR FOR LIFE
• AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS
• A GENERATION OF SOCIAL WORKERS
• WHITE FLIGHT
• THE OFFICIAL ROTTEN MOMMY TEST
• AFTERWORD: DO DADDIES MAKE THE BEST MOMMIES?
• COPYRIGHT